break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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