there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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