Can i not drive my cunt home
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
