Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think people are normalizing furries
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize