I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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