there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
