If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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