I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You dont lie about slip and slides
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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