you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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