he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
