I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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