My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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