Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
