Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
