I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
