saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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