I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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