we're chasing vodka with high fives
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
