i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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