I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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