Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
