someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
