he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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