omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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