The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
