The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize