we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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