can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
