my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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