Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
