Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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