I looked at my own cervix.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In other news, I just burned my penis
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
