it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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