So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
