I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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