I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
