I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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