Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
