His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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