I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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