my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
