Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
wow bdsm is so cute
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize