Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
