No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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