Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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