So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
