I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
