pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
