On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize