yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
