It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
