What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
