My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
