I want to stick my p in your. b.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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