you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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