i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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