just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
