Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
